Saturday, November 24, 2012

On "Captivating" Learning about Beauty.

(Day 9)

Earlier this year I picked up a handful of books in a quest to discover what it really means to be a woman. My selection was limited to titles like "Woman of the Scriptures"  "Proverbs 31" and  "Hidden Treasure of the Female Heart"
     Needless to say, I ended up putting most of these down within the first few pages. I'm pretty sure all of them had a chapter titled "Created with Care". Bleh.
     You know, one of the books actually sounded very promising. It was titled  "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul".
I thought,
 "Neat. I'm a woman. I have a soul. Unveiling is a pretty word. Mystery is generally good. I'll give it a shot"
 Within the first few pages I was convinced I would never finish or enjoy this book. I'm not sure if it was the cliche language or endless Disney Princess references. Whatever it was, the text seemed to be coated in glitter and silk, screaming (or rather respectfully whispering) "You are pretty, and long to be desired" I thought to myself "Blah blah blah, heard it all before" Closed the book, put it on my shelf and forgot about it, entirely.

      So, Once Upon a Time,  last night I had the word "Captivating" stuck in  my head.
 It echoed over and over again, I heard it, tasted it, visualized it. Captivating. While I was eating dinner,  "Captivating". Washing the dishes, "Captivating", brushing my teeth "Captivating". I thought,
 "Are you being sarcastic, God?". Captivating.
    It didn't hit me until I was standing in my room staring at my book shelf, looking for a new read. Tolstoy was too heavy and Oswald Chambers was too reformed. I wanted something lovely and light and, hah how ironic, captivating. And there it was, staring at me as if to say "Give me one more shot". I sighed, picked it up and started reading. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of  Woman's Soul. Take two.


      The first few chapters are all about beauty and the desire to be sought after.  While my initial response was once again "Heard it all before" I continued reading. My curiosity was sparked when Eldredge proposed that creation  reached its zenith in Eve.  "She wasn't just an addition or an accessory to creation, the universe was incomplete without her." Amazing.
The universe is incomplete without me.  Maybe this book is actually a little deeper than Cinderella stories.
 I got past the point where I had stopped prior and read something that I thought to be rather unique. Eldredge explains that a woman desires to be beautiful,  from the inside out. It is in a woman's essence to be sought after, to be captivating. Stasi suggests that this is actually a reflection of God's heart. The desire to be desired. (Mind blown)
     "After years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why wont you choose me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will find me," says the Lord, "When you seek for me with all your heart". In other words,"Look for me, pursue me-- I want you to pursue me." Amazing. As Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted."

Eldredge(s) gets bonus points for quoting Tozer.

After reading this simple but enlightening text,  I decided I could dust off the glitter.
    John Eldredge describing the sanctity in a women's beauty was actually quite moving. You can nearly reach out and grab his sincerity, his desperation. "Don't you understand? You- Women, you are beautiful. And it is not only because of your body- though this may be the most beautiful of all creation- it is your soul, it is your spirit" You are captivating.  "God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses her beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty,  simply in who she is. Like God, in her essence"
A year ago I would have torn this idea apart and hung it out to dry. This morning, it resounded well with my soul.
Again,
"This is what it is like to be with a woman at rest, a woman comfortable with her feminine beauty She is enjoyable to be with. She is lovely. In her presence your heart stops holding its breath. You relax and believe once again that all will be well. And this is also why a woman who is striving is disturbing, for a woman who is not at rest in her heart says to the world "All is not well. Things are not going to turn out all right" "Like a fountain troubled", as Shakespeare said, "Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of a beauty". We need what Beauty speaks. What is says is hard to put into words but part of it's message is all is well. All will be well"
Again, a year ago, I would have called Eldredge a chauvinistic idiot, and say something like "What? So I'm just supposed to sit here and look pretty?" But that is not it. Oh how Naive and stubborn I can be.
    Being beautiful is a lovely and cherished thing. Our beauty is a reflection of the Creator's romance.
It is not something to be despised. I am done despising my beauty, for to despise my own beauty would be to despise the Creator's love.
(Learning to embrace my beauty, inside and out)

 This is my prayer today:

 Oh Lord, I want to be a fountain of Love and Beauty. Take this reckless river of a woman and make me into the ocean, whose waves ebb and flow in the tides sway,
whose waters calm and cure and stir violently,
at the command of the moon, and you, oh Lord,
you are the moon.
I am the sea and I am deep and vast,
and carefully measured.
 I am an ocean in your Palm.
I am the essence of your Love and Beauty.
I am your creation.
Oh Lord, I want to be a fountain of love and beauty, that the world may come to me and know that "All will be well". I want to be a well spring of your Life, of your Love, of your Beauty.
Amen.







Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day Six


Well, tonight marks the end of day 6.



I am seeing more and more everyday that true beauty is found in the passionate love of a vulnerable, sacrificial heart.


     This journey began as a sacrifice, an act of obedience tinted with hopes of feeling more confident with my natural beauty. I thought that God wanted me to fast makeup so I would realize that I was beautiful without it.
Well,  It would be just like Christ to prove me very, very wrong.
Yes, it is true, I do feel more confident every day.
 But surprisingly, it has absolutely nothing to do with my face.
   
     I am starting to realize just how deep my roots of security were planted in my own outward beauty. A few weeks ago, I would wake up, do my hair and makeup,  look in the mirror and feel pretty.
I would leave the house confident in my outward appearance. I looked "good" and I knew it.
 I spent my mornings preparing my heart but probably spend an equal amount of time preparing my face.
I was finding my identity in the outward.


This morning I woke up, spent the entire morning with my creator and left the house, hair pinned back and bare skinned, feeling confident and beautiful. And it had absolutely nothing to do with my appearance. I felt beautiful because of the love which dwells so richly inside of me. The love of my creator, displayed in the beauty of His beloved creation. I have set aside my mirror and have begun asking the question
"Lord, what does my heart look like this morning? Please, fix it. Expose the blemishes of my heart so they may be healed. "
 I am beautiful because of  His Love.
 I was made in Love, to Love.
I rejoice! I love! I cannot explain this feeling. I am crazy!
For the first time in my entire life, I do not care, the slightest bit about my outward appearance. (Not to say that I am letting go and turning into a dirty sweat pants girl) I am just realizing that the only thing that really matters is love. (Duh)
What began as a journey to find confidence in myself, has led me to find confidence in Christ and in Christ alone. The theme of these past few weeks has been "Let go."
I know that the next thirty days will not be easy.
 I am battling a world that tells me to use my beauty for control.
I am battling a mind that tells me to conform to the ways of this world.
But, I am filled with a spirit of Love and Truth.
It's time to shine.

Alright, now that you know how I feel, here is a little side note.


I wanted to say how proud I am, and how very blessed I have been by all the women who have been inspired to embrace their natural beauty. Perhaps I have a sensitive spirit, but every-time I encounter somebody who says that I inspired them  and I see their beautiful bare skin, I am reduced to tears. I really cannot explain how it makes me feel. I am overjoyed with all of the women who have gone bare-faced, in confidence. You are all so beautiful, inside and out. Please continue to seek the Lord and root yourself in His love. You are not defined by your eyes or lips or skin, you are defined by His Love. Yes, you are a beautiful creation, and it is because He made you to Love you.

-Jasmine

Monday, November 19, 2012

Forty Days with a Fresh Face.

      On November 15, 2012, I woke up and looked in the mirror, long and hard. I didn't like what I saw. I sat and stared into my reflection, trying to validate myself. Trying to find something to hold on to. "Well, my skin is uneven, but I have pretty eyes" or "A little concealer will cover up those dark circles..." And I heard God whisper, quite clearly "Let go." "You are beautiful, not because of anything you put on your skin, but because of who I am and who I have made you to become"
Let go.
My identity is not found in my face.
I picked up all my makeup, put it in a bag, zipped it up and shoved it under the chair. "Today is the day" I thought. Today is the day. I felt an overwhelming joy, looking into the mirror, seeing myself beautiful. From the inside, out. Not because of anything that I have done, but because of who my creator made me to be. 
I have wanted to give up makeup for nearly two years.
 I have started the forty day  fast many times before, only to break it when the first zit popped up, or when somebody asked if I was feeling sick. I would gradually add a little mascara or lipgloss, and then forget about my fast all-together. A compromise would turn into a failure, and a failure would be forgotten. When I realized that forty days from the 15th was Christmas, I knew that it was finally time to let go. Completely. It has been four days, and this morning I woke up with a large pimple underneath my nose. My instant reaction was "A little concealer doesn't hurt..." Instantly I felt something inside of me, "Let go." It's just a pimple. Nobody is perfect. You are blessed.
Sure it was easy when the weather was clear. But how will I respond in the storm?
Let go. 
Over the past four days I have received a mixed response. From "Wow! You look so pretty today" to "Something is different" to "Are you feeling okay?" I admit, it has not been easy. Every morning I strip myself of the desire to be "perfect". I am forced to focus on my heart, to focus on what God is doing to make me truly beautiful. Not by the worlds standards. I look in the mirror and ask God "What do you have to say to me today" Every morning it is the same "I love you, I created you, I have a purpose for you, let go."
I am learning so much about myself. Again, it has not been easy. I have dealt with things in my life that have left me damaged and insecure. As a teenager I suffered from anorexia, bulimia and self harm. It has been five years since these struggles, but I am still healing. I know that at the end of these forty days I will have a more secure grasp as to who God has really made me to be. I will no longer find any of my identity in my "beauty" but I will find my identity in Christ, my creator. The Husband of my heart and keeper of my mind. It is amazing, the joy I have in this "letting go". This morning I woke up and felt beautiful, before and after I looked in the mirror.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

How Thomas Edison ruined my life.


       From the time that I could comprehend the idea of family relation, I understood that I had the priveledge of being related to the infamous inventor, Sir Thomas Alva Edison.
 If I close my eyes and focus my ears, I can still hear my grandmother Susan boasting to me from behind the yellowed pages of our Family Genealogy. “You know, Jasmine , Thomas Edison is your Uncle. By blood, not just marriage"
She would explain that because we were related by blood and not just marriage,  I was destined to be a genius, or at the very least,  a bright shining light.  
I have a distinct memory of  the first failure I experienced as an inventor, the day that I realized that Thomas Edison ruined my life.

      I had the simple assignment of turning a potato into an energy producing battery. To an aspiring eight year old inventor, this was just about the coolest thing since push-pops. I remembered my Uncle Thomas and worked extra hard to make this small light bulb turn on.  After all, I was destined to be a genius, it was in my blood.

         It is interesting to me how clearly I can recall holding that potato in my hand, amazed by the fact that this,  thing which had come out from the ground covered in dirt, would harvest and produce energy. Light from dirt. I remember smelling the dirt and wrinkling my nose.
(I had no idea that I would one day become this potato.)


      I secured the probes and twisted the wires around my tiny light-bulb, awaiting the excitement of  first light. I would have made my uncle proud.
 But it would’t turn on.
      I watched as my classmates cheered and rushed to the teacher’s desk, beaming with pride. I tried to twist the wires tightly and went back to my instructions, but nothing. I had done everything right, it just wasn’t working.


 I slowly walked to my teacher’s desk,  hot tears welling in my eyes. “It’s broken! It’s broken!” ( I was a bit dramatic as a child.)
She took my invention into her hands and made some adjustments, frowning. “Oh Jasmine, I’m sorry. It must be your bulb.”“ You did do it right though, so just imagine that it is working”  I returned to my desk with my broken bulb and sat quietly, looking out over the classroom of small, bright lights. Thanks uncle Thomas. Thanks a lot.


     From that day on, I was no longer proud of my relation to Thomas Alva Edison.
 Not shortly after this experience, the Public Broadcasting Station taught me the truth about good old uncle Thomas. The truth about his failures, his fraud.  
In my understanding of the PBS special, Thomas Edison did not even invent the light bulb. He merely perfected it, taking note of other’s failure.
I grew to hate this relative of mine.
And more importantly, I grew to despise the light bulb.
     The idea of electricity never did make any sense to me. As a child,  I absolutely hated waking up when the sun was still down.
 The bright light of a false morning startled my mind to wake, it made no sense that my house should be fully illuminated.
 The warm rays of Saturday morning sun coaxed me out of bed, in love, and that felt much nicer than the flip-switch GOODMORNING! of my mother.
       I hated watching my mother rush to collect her things and leave the house for work before the sun could greet her at the door.
I hated the chaos of unpaid electricity bills.
      But I did always love candle light.
Whenever the electricity was turned off, my family came together.
It was the only time that we looked like a real family. In the dark.
Illuminated only by the light of our candle, huddled together over a game of scrabble.
  This is how I wish to remember my childhood. Things looked much better in the dark.

       So basically, artificial light ruined my life. And you may not know this, but it ruined yours as well.
Artificial light became the spark of the Industrial Revolution. No longer limited by the natural pattern of day and night, we became slaves to the freedom of work.
       I am, at this current moment, sitting in a classroom at nine-thirty at night, under awful head-ache producing flourecesnts.
Granted, I appreciate my education, but is it so wrong to think that right now, my body would benefit more from sleep? 

1 John says that God is light.
God is light, not electricity. God is light, not a light-bulb. 
God is not contained.
God is not some “Aha!" moment that occurs above our heads. The sort of light that God is compared to in the Gospels far surpasses any man produced containment of energy.
     This sort of light is mysterious, uncontrollable, constant. Absolutely unshakeable.
You can’t turn this kind of light off with a switch. You can’t shove it in a light bulb or keep it in your pocket. This kind of light, this kind of life, can better be compared to the sun.
The sun can easily be called by any human, atheist or protestant, a source of life.
Constant, despite the revolution of our inconsistent planet.
Our vision of night, our experience of the dark does not discount the fact that the sun stays fixed at the center of our galaxy.
The sun is massive, inconceivable.
      You cannot stand in the presence of the sun. You cannot capture it in a photograph, nor gaze at it from millions of miles away.
You tried as a child and realized that this, this is the blinding light. 
The sun whispers in speckled reflections of moving water and catches dust like glitter from the window sill.
We gasp at the beauty of light and color as it filters through forest leaves, a thousand shades of green.  We cannot contain this light. We cannot recreate this source of life. We are in awe of this energy.
And yet, even the sun one day will die.
Creator’s Light is everlasting, inconceivable.

I’m still in class and my redvines are all gone. So naturally, I am brought back to the Gospel.

"You are the light of the world" This reference refers not to a light-bulb but to a candle light.
Natural light. A city on a hill in 30 A.D. was not powered by PG & E. 

     We were never called to be flashlights. We were never called flood-lights. We are not even called to be light-freaking-houses like we see in our very own church logo’s.
We are the candlelight, illuminating a way in the dark night. 
Collectively, we represent the light of our Creator. But we ourselves, we are not the sun. 
We are to be a soft, gentle, powerful light in the dark. Do you think a light, because it is soft does not overpower the darkness? Light always, always, always penetrates darkness. Do you think a blind man after not seeing his entire life is ready to get his pupils dilated by your flood light of doom? Does it feel good when somebody shines a flash light in your sleeping eyes?
Can you, yourself stare into the sun? 


     We are not called to be fluorescent, head-ache producing lights.
We are to reflect the light of our father- the mysterious, brilliant, pure light. We are pools of water, dancing, reflecting glimpses of his Glory. 
     We are the bright forest leaves, turned transparent by the power of His golden, outstretched arms. We are the sweet, welcoming sun that wakes a child on Saturday morning.
We are the candle lights that families get out when all has gone dark, we illuminate life in a dead world.
     So, are you turning on your light bulb and calling it Holy,  or are you truly relying on the True source of light?
One last thought, Photosynthesis. Just saying.
Going back to Thomas Edison, sure, it’s neat that he is my uncle. But, you know what? I would much rather boast of my relation to the Creator of real light. 
And that is how Thomas Edison ruined my life.

I am woman.


"I believe the lack of investment in female leadership isn't just personally frustrating and debilitating; it frustrates and debilitates the bigger cause to which Christians are called. Yes, women suffer, sometimes terribly. But, more importantly, the Kingdom-- the cause-- suffers too." , Jo Saxton in More Than Enchanting.



      Today I had the pleasure of sitting in the sun with a cup of almost black coffee (slightly tainted with cocoa powder) and a great book. The book, titled "More Than Enchanting" is a look into Female Leadership and influence in the body of Christ. I didn't even notice that by the fourth page, tears were streaming into my cup of perfect coffee. As I pressed on through the statistics, stories, and reality of being a woman in this world, I had to bring myself to a pause. I was reminded of a recent experience that, quite honestly, for lack of better terms, pissed me off.  


     It was during a Pastor's conference in Sonora, that an elderly woman stopped me at the door of the dining hall. She looked at me questioningly and asked "So, are you a pastor's wife, too?" She said this through a weak, insecure smile. ( It would have ALMOST been okay if she stopped there.)
 Slightly offensive, but not so bad.
"No, I'm not".  I laughed.
 "Do I look too young to be a pastor?" She looked even more confused.

"Oh, well I'm just trying to figure out why you are here." 
" You are far too young, and, well, frankly,  too pretty to be a pastor." 
She looked at me with concern, as if to say "Poor little thing, are you lost?".


       I couldn't believe it. I didn't even care to explain that I was an intern, that I was there to serve in childcare so that the mothers who have been so regularly denied the opportunity to gain the empowerment and direction that they need could glean from this conference.
I didn't dare mention how twisted it was that the administrators announced the need for more childcare helpers during the breakout sessions, and asked only for women, for wives of pastors. I did not go on to tell her that one day, a man would refer to himself as "The Pastors Husband" on behalf of MY call to ministry. 


      I, for a second,  imagined myself standing on top of a dining hall table in fury and passion, preaching my little (big) heart out on behalf of all women, pastors and "pastor's wives". On behalf of the young, the pretty, the old, the plain. On behalf of the beautiful, strong spirit that we have all been given for  the glory of the Kingdom of God.  But, I didn't. Instead,  I just smiled, and left  in love. Biting back the hot flow of my thoughts, and the warm tears of my pain.
Too young and too pretty to be a pastor.
In truth, I felt extremely denied, rejected, and wounded.


      Sadly, this is not the first time such things have been said to me, and shockingly, not the first time I have heard such words spoken from the mouth of another woman in ministry.
I know that as a young woman in ministry,  this is only the beginning of my struggle. But, I also  know that God has clothed me in strength. I know that while the world may see a dainty white flower, God has built me up as a flowering, fruit bearing tree.
I am a tower, and yet I am only a seed. My roots are in His hands. While the world may frown upon my reckless passion and call it empty emotion, I know that my Father has equipped me for battle.I know that I am so very blessed to be a woman,  to have the sensitivity and the heart to love,  all while pursuing the power to do something about it. I am my Father's daughter, and yes,  I am a Pastor.   AND I look pretty doing it.

      Perhaps the sharpest knife the enemy is using to cut down our confidence as women is each other. We need to love on another, we need to learn what it means to be a sister IN Christ. We must stand united because this world is coming up against us, full force. We cannot afford to come against each other.
Today,  claim the fragrance of Christ as your veil. Stand in confidence, stand in power, stand in the firm foundation of Love. Do not be ashamed of your gender. You are lovely. 
Alright, enough soabox for today.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Transformation.

       Last week, during our Fall ELN retreat, God gave me a vision that tore down some of my tallest, most resilient walls. This vision was perhaps the most perplexing, beautiful, powerful example of God’s love that I have ever experienced. On the last night of our retreat, the interns were asked to think of a time that we experienced rejection, and then walk through a seven-step healing prayer. I did not think of a specific rejection experience, but instead, thought of all the abuse that had happened to me as a child and a teenager. As we walked through the steps, I saw snapshots of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I was digging deeper than I ever had before.
      When we got to step 5, we were told to ask God where He was in the incidences. I closed my eyes and lifted my hands towards my Father. I asked, in anger, “Where. Were. You?” Perhaps this is the question I had been holding onto all these years. The wall came down and suddenly, I saw. I saw myself, fifteen, drugged and drunk on the forest floor. I saw a monster on top of me; I felt the pain. And I saw the physical manifestation of Jesus Christ come in anger and fury and throw this man off of me. I saw him pick me up, cleanse me and put me in a white robe and a white veil. His furious love was present now and had been then. I saw scene after scene, all ending the same way. He picked me up, hugged me, stroked my hair and clothed me in white.
I saw myself at the age of ten, waiting in the rain for my parents who had once again forgotten me, and watched as Jesus walked up, sat next to me and held me. He waited with me.
Every instance of abuse, every time I had been wronged, He was there, claiming justice over my heart. Proclaiming redemption over my soul. He held me close, and after all of these visions, spoke to me in a clear, soft voice. “This is how I see you”. Pure. Clean. Whole.
    Today, I feel more free than I ever thought imaginable. After four, long years of recovery and healing, I finally feel whole. I finally feel as though I have been restored. I look onward now, into the future that God has in store, and I see pure, powerful hope. I know that the healing is never over. But I now know where God stands. He stands in Love, forever. He cannot be moved out of Love; he cannot be shaken or swayed. He is Love. In my pain, He is Love. In my regrets, He is Love. In my disobedience, He is Love. And He is in Love with me as I am in Love with Him.

Monday, August 27, 2012

God has, by His grace provided all the finances I needed to continue this fall. I am so thankful for all of the love and support that you have shown me. I am continuing to raise support for this upcoming year, knowing that He will continue to provide. 
Check back soon for a new bible study!
With Love, 
J

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding.

Hello friends.
On August 22 I was informed that I need to raise 1,000 dollars in one week in order to continue as an ELN intern this fall. The finances I were relying on did not come in, and I had agreed to have this money at the end of the summer. The fact that I even have a week to raise this money is a blessing of grace.  I know that whether or not the money comes in, I am exactly where I need to be. I know that God is good, and that His plans are sometimes not our own. But I would really like to continue on as an ELN this fall, as I know God has a good work for me. If you are reading this and can support in anyway, even in exchange for work, please visit the help page located above and let me know via email. 1,000 dollars is 50 dollars from twenty people. Twenty dollars from 50 people. Surely this is possible.
With Love,
-Jasmine

To support you can give easily online http://eurekafaithcenter.org/online-giving
Just click "Internship scholarship" and specify "Jasmine"  in the notes. Thank you so much!
On another note, God has already provided more than enough!
Praise Him who is rediculous! :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Homeward bound.



        Many of you know that I spent this last summer working at a Foursquare church in Seattle, WA. The past ten weeks have been a beautiful compilation of growth, transformation, excitement, love, trials, tiredness and a lot of good coffee. I have learned so much about who God is and what He is doing to transform not only my heart, but the heart of His Church. It has been absolutely awe-inspiring to watch God move with His divine creativity, through such a dynamic and diverse city.
        I return with a new-found passion for God's truth and a ridiculous conviction to live out Christ's true, mad love. I now know just how deep my love for the world runs. I also know that my love for this world is but a small portion of God's powerful, infinite love. Might I remind you that God, the creator of the universe loved the world so much that He sent His perfect son to live and die that we may live and never die. How often do we forget this mad love?
      Coming back from Seattle, I have a  very strong desire to be around the broken people of this world and this city. I want to know them, I want to love them. I want to love them like a crazy person. And the thing is, we are all broken. We are all in need of a savior's grace, we are all in need of this mad love. Why does the church allow her love to be so limited? Why are we afraid to love? This cannot do.
      I pray that this next year be filled with opportunities for me to exercise this new-found passion, as I know it will be. I pray that God show me how to walk boldly in His love, all while teaching me how to humbly enable other's to do the same. I look forward to this upcoming season with a confident anticipation, knowing that it will be a beautiful, challenging, impacting year.
 Thank you Eastside and Faith Center. My home, and my home away from home.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Welcome.


Hi there! Thank you for visiting my new ministry blog. As you can see, I am still in the works of getting everything together. Check back soon!.